October 24, 2012

Cauz: Where did all the nicknames go?

Everyone talks about just how different the game is now versus the “good ol’ days’. Today’s player is bigger, faster and stronger vs. back in the day football players were tougher as they were actually allowed to hit someone.

You hear these debates all the time, so I’m not going to engage in them. What I will say is that I miss nicknames. I feel that back in the day, in all sports, players had more creative and colourful nicknames.
I’m not sure if today’s professional athlete is dumber or just lazier than past generations but I feel we’ve (the media needs some blame as well) really dropped the ball on the nickname.

Now, there are some exceptions.

I love Stevie Baggs going by “Shakespeare” because all he does is make plays. Brilliant! Jerome Messam going by Seabiscuit because of his size, another solid creation!

But we need more. I don’t want to know that Darian Durant is referred to as “Double-D” or just “D”. How about Darian “Lakes” Durant cause he is a thrill ride on the field?
Now please feel free to tweet me some more suggestions (@mcauz56) or just ridicule me for some really lousy names and cheap jokes. I can take it. Without further adieu, bring on the nick names!
Hugh Charles “In Charge”: Great nickname, plus if Hugh continues to play well I have no doubt it will lead to a resurgence for all things Scott Baio
Fred “Special Delivery” Stamps: I was going to go with the whole lick motif but then I realized Fred works hard, no way this guy mails it in. Also I think all professional sports needs at least one “special delivery”, just a fun nickname.
Buck Buck Pierce: Do kids still play duck, duck, goose?
Korey “Money in the” Banks: Yeah that one is kind of cheap but it flows better than Korey “Canada Trust” Banks.
Adriano “The Butcher” Belli: Has anyone had this nickname since Abdullah The Butcher was delivering his diving double foot stomp to Johnny Rougeau?
Chris Best “In Show”: A hilarious movie (Just a smidge below ‘Waiting For Guffman’ but damn funny) and offensive lineman need nicknames as well.
Chad “OJ” Simpson: Hmmm maybe not. Let’s just move on.
Maurice “Manfred” Mann: Corners were blinded by his speed. Revved up like a deuce, another touchdown in the night. Yeah I have no idea what the lyrics were about as well.
Diamond “Are forever” Ferri: Ferri, Diamond Ferri. he leaves running backs shaken not stirred.
Anthony “I’ll give you my football when you pry it from my cold, dead hands” Calvillo: Admittedly this name is a bit clunky but I think every Alouette quarterback would agree with accuracy of this one.
Randy “Don” Chevrier: Anyone have a problem honouring one of the greats from the world of sports media? Didn’t think so.
“My name is” Luca Congi: Come on, nothing says gridiron action quite like the eclectic folk rock styling’s of Suzanne Vega.
Clarence “Something is rotten in the state of” Denmark: Just because the CFL won’t have two teams with the same name that doesn’t mean we can’t have two players with Shakespeare themed nicknames!
Xavier “The Professor” Fulton: He reads minds and blitzes.
Jonathan: “Boyz n the” Hood: Just a tour du force of a film. How did John Singleton go from this seminal hit to ‘2 Fast 2 Furious’?
“We’ll Always Have” Paris Jackson: When that ball leaves the Quarterbacks hands you better go get it. Cause if you drop it, you’ll regret it. Maybe not right after the play, maybe not in the second quarter, but soon and maybe for the rest of your career.
Patrick “El” Kabongo: Forget using footwork to thwart pass rushers, Patrick could pull out an acoustic guitar if Charleston Hughes gets past him. In case you don’t know who I am referring to, go here.
Deron “Hold The” Mayo: Did you know there are 57 calories in just one tablespoon of Mayonnaise? That’s no condiment for a first year linebacker.
Kevin “John” Glenn: Sometimes Kevin’s a hero, other times he looks like a space cadet with some of the interceptions he throws.
Travis “All-Day” Lulay: This one isn’t that clever, but it rhymes. And much like “Special Delivery” I feel every league needs at least one “All-Day”.
Paul “Single-Malt” McCallum: Smooth and comes in some very old vintages, kid of like the kicker.
Jon “Captain Canada” Cornish: He’s Canadian and everyone loves alliteration.
Keron “Scary” Williams: No name play here, dude just scares offensive lineman.
Chevon Walker “Texas Ranger”: Chevon doesn’t just break tackles; he fixes them afterwards just so that he can break them again harder next time.   
Wallace “I can see for” Miles: The lyrics are filled with lines about deception and holding. That’s just metaphors for a disguised zone defence or pass interference.
Bo “And Luke Duke” Levi Mitchell: This one is easy! Bo Levi Mitchell just sounds like a guy who would have driven the General Lee while being chased by Boss Hogg and Roscoe.
Ollie “Olly Oxen Free” Ogbu: I have no idea why this is shouted by kids during hide and go seek but then again I didn’t know who Ogbu was until I started this column. My lame nickname may not be as good as the one he had at Penn State, “The Staten Island Ferry”.
Dominic “Jean-Luc” Picard: This is the second reference with a reference to a character played by Patrick Stewart. According to IMDB, Patrick will play the role of “Russian General” in the next Die Hard franchise, ‘A Good Day to Die Hard’. I’m guessing Stewart couldn’t find any work on the dinner theatre circuit.
Ken-Yon “First Blood” Rambo: Hunting? We ain’t huntin’ him, he’s huntin’ us!