Casting Call: Who’s playing who in a CFL movie?
The Canadian Football League is built on great stories. With it being Hall of Fame week in Hamilton and a couple of the best CFL stories in recent memory – Anthony Calvillo, Geroy Simon and Mike O’Shea – being inducted to the Hall of Fame, I started to think about who would play the main characters of a CFL 2017 movie.
Randy Ambrosie: Alec Baldwin
Arguably one of the most important aspects of the 2017 season has been the influence of new commissioner Randy Ambrosie. From restricting the number of challenges per game to changing the standard of padded practices in an effort to improve player safety, Ambrosie deserves a top notch name to play his role.
Wally Buono: Robert De Niro
Travelling west to east, it makes sense to start with one of the easier coaches I had to cast in the making of ‘CFL 2017’. Wally Buono has been getting a lot of on-camera time this year while deciding what to do with his quarterbacks. If Robert De Niro can master the lip bite, this performance could be Oscar-worthy.
Dave Chidley/CFL.ca
Jonathon Jennings: Donald Glover
As for that quarterback situation, how about Donald Glover as the up and coming big arm sensation Jonathon Jennings?
Travis Lulay: Ron Howard
And his backup, struck by an unfair injury who will continue to supply enthusiasm and knowledge on the sidelines, young Ron Howard as Travis Lulay.
Dave Dickenson: Tom Virtue
As for the Calgary Stampeders, Dave Dickenson will be played by Tom Virtue of Even Stevens fame. A straight laced leader of men with a dry wit smile. Unsure yet whether he can pick up Dickenson’s speech patterns and Big Sky twang, but the budget on this movie is limited.
Alex Singleton: Jason Momoa
Jason Momoa got the call to play Alex Singleton. He was thrilled and has been working on his rodeo and stampede celebrations in preparation.
Johany Jutras/CFL.ca
Bo Levi Mitchell: Kevin McKidd
Kevin McKidd – also known as the reason your wife watches Grey’s Anatomy – has been cast as Bo Levi Mitchell. Rumour is Kevin jumped at the chance to get a plethora of temporary tattoos to pull off the role.
Jerome Messam: Trevante Rhodes
As a member of the cast of Moonlight, which,after a few minutes — thanks a lot Warren Beaty — won best picture at the 2016 Oscars, Trevante Rhodes had endless script offers. He couldn’t turn down playing Calgary’s bruising running back.
Brandon Zylstra: Taylor Lautner
After two straight losses to their Alberta rivals, Eskimos fans are looking to write a better end to their 2017 season. If they’re going to do it, the story will have to feature plenty of Taylor Laughter as Brandon Zylstra…
Mike Reilly: Matthew Fox
…And Matthew Fox from his days as Jack on Lost as quarterback Mike Reilly.
Johany Jutras/CFL.ca
Jason Maas: Jim Carrey
Jim Carrey earned the right to represent Jason Maas in ‘CFL 2017’…
Mike Benevides: Russell Crowe
…while Russell Crowe has been called into action to serve as Eskimos defensive sideline boss Mike Benevides.
Chris Jones: Channing Tatum
Further east, the Riders of Regina were perhaps the easiest CFL team to cast — even if you don’t like who is playing Head Coach Chris Jones.
Everything in Regina this season is bigger, sexier and flashier.. Why not Channing Tatum, eh? He could pull off the southern accent and all black attire in a snap.
Arthur Ward/CFL.ca
Kevin Glenn: Don Cheadle
As for the quarterback, Kevin Glenn has supplied veteran leadership and continues to apply a calming vibe to the Riders. Just like Don Cheadle in Hotel Rwanda.
Duron Carter: Kel Mitchell
Duron Carter simply IS Kel Mitchell, or as most millennials know him, “Ed from goodburger, home of the goodburger, can I take your order?”
Ed Gainey: D.L. Hughley
Ed Gainey has been ridiculous this year. Just two years after struggling to find the ball in the air against Greg Ellingson in the Eastern Final, Gainey has arguably become the CFL’s best ball hawk and deserves an actor capable of supplying genuine sideline shoutouts when celebrating interceptions. Enter D.L. Hughley.
Mike O’Shea: Ewen McGregor
Now, CFL Hall of Fame inductee and current Winnipeg Blue Bombers head coach Mike O’Shea needed a man who both struck fear into opponents and could convey a soft spoken message. Thankfully, Ewen McGregor was available.
Jason Halstead/CFL.ca
Paul LaPolice: Bruce Willis
While we don’t see much of Paul LaPolice on the television during games, it is undeniable the effect he has had on quarterback Matt Nichols this season and so he needs to be included in the script. We really broke the bank with this one but Bruce Willis has yet to do much in the way of a sports movie so he got the call.
Matt Nichols: Nicolas Cage
As for Lapolice’s quarterback, what role won’t Nicolas Cage say yes to?
Andrew Harris: Will Smith
It is impossible to tell the story of the 2017 Blue Bombers without Andrew Harris. I needed to cast someone athletic, with the ability to randomly put on a bunch of muscle in short order. Based on his look in Fresh Prince and physical development for roles such as iRobot, how could I not include Will Smith?
Jason Halstead/CFL.ca
June Jones: Robert Duvall
The Ticats made the change mid-season from Kent Austin to June Jones, whose soft spoken press conferences and general laid back nature pointed to an opportunity for Robert Duvall.
Zach Collaros: Orlando Bloom
Zach Collaros started the first eight games of the year in a frustrating personal and team stretch that can only be portrayed properly by the elite over-acting skills of Orlando Bloom.
Jeremiah Masoli: Jay Laga’aia
How can you have Collaros in the ‘CFL 2017’ and not Jeremiah Masoli? Masoli is now 2-0 on the season and 6-5 as a starter in the CFL. Masoli’s calm demeanour and physical build left me only one option for the film, Jay Laga’aia.
Larry Dean: Idris Elba
The final Tiger-Cats player cast in ‘CFL 2017’ is having a standout season at middle linebacker. Larry Dean will be played by Idris Elba, who will have to learn how to trash talk real quick.
Ricky Ray: Matthew McConaughey
The Argos started the season with a bang against Hamilton. The main character that afternoon was Ricky Ray, who will be played by Matthew McConaughey because really, what can’t that guy do?
The Canadian Press
S.J. Green: D.B. Woodside
And SJ Green portrayed by D.B. Woodside.
Bear Woods: Bradley Cooper
Bear Woods found a soft landing spot in Toronto after his training camp departure from Montreal, and will be played by Bradley Cooper with dreads simply as an excuse to show you Bradley Cooper with dreads and to give one of the CFL’s best tacklers his shine.
Marc Trestman: Johnny Galecki/Leonad Hofstadter
The true story of the Argos this season off the field revolves around two men who continue to attempt to right the ship. Leonard Hofstadter will serve as Marc Trestman…
Jim Popp: Harrison Ford
…while Harrison Ford will continue to grow his on-screen acumen as a sideline-pacing, visor-wearing general manager Jim Popp.
Greg Ellingson: Harry Styles
In the nation’s capital, Ottawa got off to a rough start. Let Harry Styles be Greg Ellingson…
Brad Sinopoli: Alex from the Bachelorette
…and Alex from the Bachelorette as Brad Sinopoli distract you from those struggles.
Rick Campbell: Will Patton
Running the show will be Will Patton as Rick Campbell, which might have been the single easiest role to cast after Patton’s work in Remember the Titans.
Bob Dyce: Denzel Washington
Come to think of it, I probably should have kept fellow Remember the Titans co-star Denzel Washington in ‘CFL 2017’ as REDBLACKS special teams coordinator Bob Dyce.
Jacques Chapdelaine: Willem Dafoe
In Montreal, we all know the changes made yesterday will dramatically affect the second half of the Alouettes’ script, but the story of their season can not be told without Willem Dafoe as Jacques Chapdelaine…
Noel Thorpe: Jason Statham
…and Jason Statham as now former defensive coordinator Noel Thorpe.
Darian Durant: Jamie Foxx
As for starting – for now – quarterback Darian Durant, I decided on Jamie Foxx because let’s be real, Jamie Foxx hasn’t done anything of note in a while and might want to revive his days as Willie Beamen in Any Given Sunday.
Dominick Gravel/Montreal Alouettes
Nik Lewis: Forest Whitaker
The man catching passes from Foxx in ‘CFL 2017’ and becoming the CFL’s all time receptions leader? Forest Whitaker as Nik Lewis
In all seriousness, the twists and turns of this season have been incredible and a film or well-put together documentary would have a hard timing conveying the waves of emotion fans across the country have experienced through the first 12 weeks. I wonder what names would be required in the screen play by the time we complete Grey Cup week in Ottawa this November.
