It’s Hallowe’en, kiddies. And you know what that means. Tricks, treats and fantastic costumes.
If you are fortunate enough to go door to door in CFL Town, here’s how it goes down, at each of the nine team’s front doors.
WARNING: If you are at all squeamish about puns, DO NOT go any farther.
Address: 9 Damon Allen Poe Way
Rick Campbell meets you on the driveway, encompassed by a giant square made of steel wool and wearing a headset. “Coach Brillo,” he says as you spy him quizzically. Defensive lineman Brandon Banks steps through the front door and onto the porch, dressed like a giant bee. He bursts down the stairs and onto the front lawn where he sprints back and forth, repeatedly hollering “I’m the other Brandon Banks! I’m the other Brandon Banks!”
Address: 18 Edgar Allen Pitts Lane (If Aaron Sorkin can steal his own ideas all the time, I can too)
In ghostly white make-up, quarterback Boo Levi Mitchell opens the door. In the room behind him, receiver Eric Rogers, wearing a really nifty cardigan, is putting on a pair of slippers. “Hello, neighbour,” he says, smiling broadly. Wide receiver “Colton Hunchak of Notre Dame” has really done a nice mash-up; Wearing a Fighting Irish jersey, he rings a bell and says “yes, master,” no matter what you say to him.
ASK FOR A TREAT: Candy Cornish.
ASK FOR A TRICK: Dave Dickenson throws a challenge flag at your feet and demands that you explain the rationale behind your costume.
EDMONTON FOOTBALL TEAM
Address: 65 Dr. Death Drive (naturally)
As you start to come up the walkway, you see that Trevor Harris is already on the porch, all alone, pretending to grab an imaginary treat from an imaginary bowl, then putting it in an imaginary bag. Over and over again. Guy takes visualization seriously. He looks like a giant jack-o-lantern, with a costume that’s all orange and giantly round, but he’s also wearing a helmet. “I’m Antonio Pumpkin,” he declares.
Terry Williams is sitting in a recliner, and he’s not dressed up. You ask why. “Scary Terry,” he slowly says, waving a dismissive hand while looking down at his phone. “No costume needed.” Receiver Rod Smith is walking around waving a microphone, of course, and linebacker Blair Smith has a witch’s hat on. “Blair Smith Project,” he smirks.
ASK FOR A TREAT: Almondo Joys.
ASK FOR A TRICK: “Boo,” says Scary Terry, mildly annoyed that you actually asked for a trick. “Now I get your Almondo Joy.”
Address: 81 Elgaard Allan Poe Ave. (Alright, alright. 11 Night Of The Living Dead Gainey St.)
You ring the bell. The door opens, and there stands the legend, himself, linebacker Solomon Elimimian, wrapped entirely in tin foil.
“Solomon Aluminum, I presume,” you say. He cocks his head indignantly, and responds with a perfect upper-crust English accent. “It’s pronounced al-you-minium, my good man. Solomon Al-you-minium.”
ASK FOR A TREAT: An entire watermelon dipped in caramel sauce. Maybe go to this house first so it doesn’t crush everything else in your bag. Also, Narcisse’s Pieces. And Solomon M&M-iums. Or Solly Ranchers. I can do this all day….
ASK FOR A TRICK: Charleston Hughes silently stares at you, arms folded, until you just volunteer to hand over all your loot.
WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS
Address: 6 Bobbing For Cameron Crescent (You really gotta want that one)
You waste entirely too much time explaining to Drew Wolitarsky that his costume “Drew Wol-guitar-sky” is just him with his guitar. Then, a teammate of his steps outside, wearing cleats and gold football pants, oddly matched with a dress shirt and tie, and a light coloured suit jacket over top. He grabs his lapels and says “now, I might just be a simple, southern placekicker…” and you realize you’ve just met Justin Matlock.
ASK FOR A TREAT: Miltesers.
ASK FOR A TRICK: Willie Jefferson bats your goodie bag out of your hands. It lands three streets over.
Address: 23 Rocky DiPietro Show St.
Brandon Banks is dressed in black and yellow stripes and insists he was going not for Speedy Bee but for murder hornet. Great Dane Evans is in a dog suit. Dylan Wynn has a guitar and a harmonica and when you guess that he must be “Bob Dylan Wynn” he says that no, actually he’s Drew Wol-guitar-sky.
ASK FOR A TREAT: Less Brownies.
ASK FOR A TRICK: Somebody in a gorilla suit and a Mosca jersey literally sacks you by stuffing you into your own treat bag.
Address: 7 Sleepy Hollow Way
In what might be, all at once, the most brilliant and most maddening costume pun of the night, coach Ryan Dinwiddie opens the door to reveal that he’s wearing a square of carpet. There’s a hole in the middle where his head sticks out and the thing is draped over him like a poncho. The five cent pieces glued all over it glisten in the pale moonlight. “Mat Nickels!” he shouts.
You tell him about Antonio Pumpkin. He calls it “a bit forced, really.”
ASK FOR A TREAT: Pinball Clemons gives you an air hug.
ASK FOR A TRICK: Someone in a Kerwin Bell jersey throws a football at your groin.
Address: 77 Tony Lucifer Way
In a top hat and tails, and with a big handlebar moustache glued to his face, receiver Brad Monopoly is your doorstep host. Head coach Paul LaPolice got his hands on a Parisienne cop uniform, somehow. The new quarterback in town is dressed like a pirate and announces that you can call him Nick Arrrrrbuckle.
ASK FOR A TREAT: Something called the Wonderful Monds-ter Mash.
ASK FOR A TRICK: They drop a box of cereal called “Prune – O’s” into your bag.
Address: 8 (or is it 3? No, pretty sure it’s 8) Gomez Addams Jr. Drive
Linebacker DJ Lalama is wearing a horsey costume and headphones and says it’s the closest thing he could find to making him DJ The Llama. Head Coach Khari Jones reports it took three hours in a make-up chair to turn him into Ka-Scarry Jones. Henoc Muamba stretches the bounds of pun acceptance as he vacuums the front hall and calls himself “Henoc Roo-amba.”
ASK FOR A TREAT: Take your pick between Junior Ah Mints and Don Sweets.
ASK FOR A TRICK: Als’ alumnus Peter Dalla Riva uses the same staple gun from the Ice Bowl to completely seal the opening of your goodie bag. And to securely fasten your pant legs together.
Happy Hallowe’en, everyone. Don’t be too harsh with me about all this. After all, if you’re a fan of Canadian football, you know every team needs a good punster.