Kevin Sousa/CFL.ca
I saw one of the most depressing things last week and no, I am not talking about Nathan Rourke’s injury or Bo Levi Mitchell sitting on the bench in the second half against the Toronto Argonauts.
I was walking to my car minding my own business when I saw a couple of orange and brown leaves on the ground. Nothing brings back that childhood fear of school-is-right-around-the-corner quite like seeing fallen leaves. The only thing that cheered me up is this time of year means we are closer to the OK Tire Labour Day Weekend and for people in the southern Ontario region, a leaf on the ground means the smells of battered food is in the air as the Canadian National Exhibition is open for business.
So in honour of the Argonauts giving you free admission to the CNE when you purchase tickets to a game, I have gone through all the crazy/different/delicious/kinda scary food options available at the CNE and paired them up with someone from either the Argonauts’ or the Hamilton Tiger-Cats’ roster. This is the most caloric column I have ever written.
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Andrew Harris’ tough, determined spirit is missed on the field, much in the same way Matt Cauz misses the sensation of the 2015 CNE, the Frosted Flake-battered chicken sandwich (Thomas Skrlj/CFL.ca)
Andrew Harris: Frosted Flake–battered chicken
This snack was a highlight of the 2015 CNE and has never been seen again. I miss that giant chicken skewer coated in Frosted Flakes and deep-fried delight the same way I will miss seeing Harris on the field. Understandably the focus this past week has been on quarterback injuries and/or benchings but the Harris injury hurts not only for Argo fans but also for those of us that enjoy a little smash mouth with our CFL offence. The year this delicacy was introduced, Harris broke through with his first 1,000-yard rushing season with the BC Lions and I’m fairly sure I busted a button or two at the Ex.
Ted Laurent & Cody Woodmansey: The two-foot-long taco!
This sucker is so big it needs not one but two linemen, one foot per player. Laurent has been a 300-pound menace in the middle of so many excellent Hamilton defences, while Woodmansey clocks in at six-foot-five and 310 pounds. The taco is packed with Oaxaca cheese and you can choose from either chorizo, ground beef or mushroom for your main protein. This taco can feed a family much the same way that these two Tiger-Cats are the size of a 1950s nuclear family.
Chad Kelly: Root beer whiskey BBQ fried chicken sandwich
One is flashy, something you have rarely seen before, you want to try it but are a bit afraid of how you will feel afterwards. The other is the Argonauts’ rookie quarterback. Kelly falls into that football cliché of sexy back-up because of his impressive college resume and Toronto’s offence is sputtering averaging 19.1 offensive points per game. I’m not sure I like the idea of my chicken sandwich being tossed in a root beer sauce just like I’m not yet ready for a change at quarterback, but in both cases I am at least a little bit curious.
McLeod Bethel-Thompson: Squid-ink Korean corn dog
The corn dog is spliced up at the end so that it resembles squid arms, because who doesn’t want to think about munching on squid when you’re about to down the trusty corn dog? The next step is of course cheese. In this case the corn dog work of art is wrapped in mozzarella. The next stop is for the dog to be rolled in inked batter and panko crumbs and of course, deep-fried at the end. I can honestly say this is the most interesting food idea I found, just like MBT is about as unique a football player I have ever encountered. In radio interviews he gives the sort of introspective answers you are not normally used to hearing and of course his journey to professional football reads like a crazy diary of someone obsessed to make it in football.
Bonus: Check out Mike Hogan’s profile of McLeod’s father as your consuming a corn dog.
It's a @letsgototheex Argos Challenge: @BrizzyUL17 vs@royce_metchie vs@Bonsie24
Who will be victorious? pic.twitter.com/5Mzk2KFdYe
— Toronto Argonauts (@TorontoArgos) August 23, 2022
Jovan Santos-Knox: The deep-fried snickers bar
Both are trusty constants that can always be relied on. The deep-fried candy bar has been a staple of my CNE experience while in 2022 Knox has only dipped below six tackles in a game twice in 10 contests.
Kurleigh Gittens Jr. & Henoc Muamba: Skoreo cheesecake chimney cone
The people behind this decadent dessert want to let you know they only use local Ontario dairy for the vanilla part of this soft serve delight. Speaking of local products, Henoc is the 2019 winner of the Most Outstanding Canadian Award and is second on the team in tackles. Gittens is on pace to lead the team in receiving yards after finishing second in 2021. This dessert is layered with a variety of toppings from salted caramel to Oreo, just like these players help their teams in many ways. Henoc is as adept in run coverage as he is in dropping back and we’ve all seen Kurleigh make the tough catch on second down and race past the Roughriders for a 70-yard touchdown back in Week 7.
Wynton McManis: Croffles
I’m looking for a new star in Toronto and we may have found two of them. McManis already has registered a career high in sacks with three and is on pace for over 100 tackles, which would shatter his previous high of 86. On the food side we can all agree that a combination of a waffle and a croissant can only be delicious. This isn’t some sort of bizarre experiment like the mustard soft serve ice cream I heard about. Yes, mustard is good and ice cream is a staple but no way do I want them together.
Pinball Clemons: Brownie cheesecake and cinnamon bun beavertails
What is sweet and powerful with strong Canadian content? This dessert and the Toronto Argonauts’ general manager. Pinball became a permanent resident of Canada in 2000 just like the Beavertail has a permanent place in our dessert lexicon. You don’t say “no” to this combination of desserts just like it is near impossible to reject Michael Clemons.
Shane Richards: Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Smash Burger
The largest player on the field this weekend could very well be the 325-pound, former first overall pick from the 2019 draft. Who better to be paired up with a fully topped up double cheeseburger that is filled with Cheetos on the inside? Not sure what would hurt more, my stomach the morning after downing this intimidating burger or getting pancaked by Richards.
Orlondo Steinauer: The Cinnabon swirler
The Hamilton Tiger-Cats’ head coach was recently inducted into the Canadian Football Hall of Fame, a deserving honour for the six-time All-Star and three-time Grey Cup champion. Of all the foods on the list, this crazy concoction feels like a soon-to-be hall of famer as well. No smell is more intoxicating than the aromatic lift of a Cinnabon. Find me a dessert as rich as cheesecake and the presence of frozen custard (under-rated!) and fresh whipped cream makes the Cinnabon Swirler a hall of fame lock as well.
Simoni Lawrence: Churro wrapped deep fried pickle
I need a big and loud snack to go with the loudest man on the field and one of the league’s biggest personalities. Love the sweet/salty combination you will find with the churro mixed with pickle, much the same way that Simoni can be salty (putting it kindly) on the field but is damn sweet off of it. Just check out all the charity work this man has done in and around the Hamilton community.
Micah Johnson: Krispy Kreme pulled pork
Finally, I needed something that looks like a force of nature and I think I found it with a doughnut sandwich mixed with the tangy taste of pulled pork. I have seen Johnson ruin offensive coordinators’ game plans with his sheer strength and determination and I believe anyone will need those same traits to get through this meal…I mean sandwich…I mean dessert. Whatever it is, it looks both intimidating and impressive, kind of like the Tiger-Cats’ defensive lineman.
