So nice of the Canadian Football League to plop free agency day down on Feb. 14.
How lovely! Personally, I cannot see anything more romantic than your team signing a big, quarterback-harassing, run-stuffing defensive lineman. Euclid Cummings, won’t you be our valentine?
The 2017 free agency period looks to be every bit as enticing and intriguing as last year’s – even with this weekend’s flurry of extensions considered – and that might lead you to thinking of lying on your couch with your laptop on your belly, an intravenous tube providing you with sustenance and hydration as you spend the entirety of Valentine’s Day tracking the comings and goings of dozens of spicy free agents.
But, look. Don’t forget your sweetie, folks. Go out and get them something right now because on Valentine’s Day, you’re gonna be hunkered down in front of your computer ALL DAY AND NIGHT poking at the the refresh button like… like… like a poking something-or-other that pokes at things in a poking sort of way.
RELATED:
Free Agent Tracker | CFL.ca’s Top 30 Pending FA List | FA Rumour Mill
FREE AGENCY LIVE
Beginning at 11:30am ET on Tuesday, Free Agency Live will stream on CFL.ca every hour on the half hour. Host Brodie Lawson and former all-star defensive back and CFL.ca contributor Davis Sanchez will lead the charge with up-to-the minute analysis, updates and extensive breakdowns of the annual sweepstakes … Learn More.
Side note: That last line is testament as to why I never attempt to write any original poetry in my wife’s card. It’s Lisa Simpson’s “I Choo-Choo-Choose you” for her again this year.
If your valentine is also a football fan, you needn’t worry about how you can spend hours and hours in front of your laptop. They’ll be right there with you, looking to break news on newly signed contracts before you do, as a point of pride. “I saw the Shakir Bell announcement before you did,” also means “I love you” on this particular February 14th.
“Greg Van Roten is off the market” means “you’re my everything.”
That’s fine but if your significant other is NOT with you on the joys of gridiron off-season courting, you may need to do a little tap dancing at times. Be discreet as you scroll through Twitter on your smartphone during dinner at a fancy restaurant. Hold that thing below table level, out of their sight, glancing down only after you’ve pointed behind them, saying “Wow, is that Ryan Gosling dressed up as Cupid?” Or something equally as brilliant. You know your sweetie better than I do. Perhaps they’d be more interested in seeing Jennifer Lawrence dressed as Cupid.
Know what? Any famous person dressed as Cupid would probably work. I know I’d turn my head.
Dropping your fork and taking a peek at your phone as you bend down to collect that fork is also a good ploy but be careful you don’t overdo it. Ten, eleven times during the meal at maximum, I’d say. Also, don’t exclaim something like “Wow, Khalil Bass is going THERE? I did NOT see that coming!” while you’re under the table. That’s a dead giveaway. As well, don’t take, like, two minutes “looking” for that fork. That’s suspicious. Or so I’ve been told.
Another plan for attacking any conflict you may have between Valentine’s Day and free agency is to present constantly being on the internet seeking the latest signings as a couple’s thing. “Honey, you know how we’re always looking for more things we can do together? What an opportunity this is for more quality you and me time!” Make sure to look up from your screen every few minutes and say “isn’t this great? I can feel us growing even closer.”
Of course, the CFL could have solved any conflicts if they’d only returned one of my phone calls suggesting a reality show centred on football and the exquisite dance of love. “The Bachelor: CFL Unrestricted,” (can’t tell me that doesn’t sound sexy) would have meant we could have all enjoyed both Valentine’s Day and free agency at the same time. Did you know about this, Commish? Because I have my doubts as to whether my contacts at your office actually followed through after telling me “uh… yeah. Sure, I’ll definitely pass that along to Jeffrey.”
A series of mansions, each with a different group of CFL free agents in it. Receivers in one, offensive and and defensive linemen in another.
And so on.
Listen to The Waggle Podcast where James Cybulski and Davis Sanchez break down everything free agency ahead of the big day.
Team brass gets sequestered in these mansions, vying for the attentions of the remaining big name free agents. One by one, general managers emerge from limousines as a beaming Ernest Jackson stands at the front door, waiting to be impressed. Only we reverse the rose ceremony thing, with each GM holding out a contract in one hand, and a ballpoint in the other. “Will you accept this pen?”
Down the road, a different house, this one filled with linebacking free agents. Bass, Winston Venable, Cory Greenwood, Jerrell Gavins. Gavins – for my money the most versatile defender on the FA list after a stellar second half as a cover linebacker with Ottawa last season – could also choose to head to the defensive backs mansion and hang with those guys while co-hosts Brodie Lawson and Max Rosenberg ratchet up the drama by planting false rumours – alternative facts, really – about which GM is having a high old time playing pool with which free agent.
It would be an immense pleasure to eavesdrop on the general manager’s conversations at Lineman Mansion, with studly, mountain-sized free agents roaming in their midst. “Don’t get me wrong, I like John Hufnagel,” one would be heard to say. “But why is he spending so much time with Derek Dennis? He had his chance. I mean, look at ’em out there by the courtyard fountain, laughing it up. Disgraceful.”
That kind of sizzling TV, would have helped as we attempt to juggle two of our great loves on Tuesday.
Not to be, though, and you may need to be at your savvy best to keep the balance.
Or maybe we can all convince Cupid to hold off until the weekend or something. I know Valentine’s Day was there first but this is free agency, so get to steppin’, arrow boy.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, don’t forget to play your part in spreading the love prior to the fourteenth. Send your sought-after free agents a football love note on Twitter, telling them how much you want them to play for your favourite team.
Don’t forget to pile on the heart emojis. Or emojii. Whatever the plural is. That could play an important part in having a big time free agent choo-choo-choose you this CFL Valentine’s Day.
